I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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