your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Randomize
