playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
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