I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
