Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
