I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
