Can i not drive my cunt home
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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