you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
