We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
