actually, I'm a sock model
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize