I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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