i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize