K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
