After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
