I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
