I accidentally had phone sex last night
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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