I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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