Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
