Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
