don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
