god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Randomize
