im drinking this country out of the recession.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
