There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
