I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
