I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
