Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
