but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
