Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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