"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
