Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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