we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
