i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
