Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Randomize
