obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
