connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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