Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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