Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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