My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
