I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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