I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
