they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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