Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i just sent this text using only my big toe
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
