Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
