I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize