So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize