FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
