honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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