When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
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