I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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