How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
