Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
