I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize