Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
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