He disabled his match.com account in front of me
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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