My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
