You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I love you. Go after that dick
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
