The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize