On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
