i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
