This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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