Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
Who wears a wallet chain?!
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
