She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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