I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
