Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have aggressive nipples.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
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