Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize