He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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