my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
