I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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