Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
