Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
