I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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