i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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