do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
