I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
