I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
